The Known Before

“ You are not the person I used to know before” is an extremely common reason to slip out of a relationship. A lame and blatantly cruel escapism which is similar to a men leaving out of a couplehood by meanly telling a girl: “ You’re Fat”

As usual, after a few weeks of break-up due to “Not the person You Used To Be” syndrome, you were left in the clouds of confusion and uncertainties. You tried to rationalize and doing quick flashbacks of how could the past be better than present? You brave yourself and reenter hell by confronting the problem face-to-face. Doing a quicky biopsy, you dialed your just declared ex-girlfriend number and asked her “ How was I when you used to know? ”

Too bad. There was no more magic in the conversation. The chirpy voice is no more there, in turn, you were given cold shoulder instead of first-class treatment. If your fuses blow, you might settle with nothing less than tragic.

Pardon me, Im not choosing sides of which gender is more righteous in this type scenario. Like we all know, during rainy days, everyone gets wet. Apparently, its got to be many different reason of why this kind of syndrome occurs. Mostly, I am well aware the failure to give a concrete reason but the knee-jerk urges to escape/abandon/betray a relationship made either male or female to tick-off with this lame and boring reasoning.

Why knee-jerk in wanting to abandon a relationship? There are good and bad reason. Of course, sensational counts brought the bad reason to light first. The involvement of third party can be primarily blamed. No doubt, the missing-shoulder-to-cry-on is like to a widely opened door of the Ali Baba cavern that contains loads of bountiful treasures. Chances are, the supportive and caring nature of third-party unintentionally or intentionally made them given the chances to get closer. In this hustle bustle world of where the are many things to catch up. Assignments and datelines crisis, why would a men lend their eyes, ear and concern to be a Michael Ong-esque messiah to hear tribulation of a female failing relationship? Surely the lure of intimacy and flings is what drive them?

Who knows? These people perhaps are honest bunch of people with a heart of a Samaritan to help and fix the broken pieces and let wheel of life rolls again. In that case, my statement above may be wrong and made me look like a negative thinker. Yet, too much had to be learned, as underestimating somebody whom popped out of nowhere to help the ailing relationship might turn the table around and gain benefit to themselves instead. In this light, I might be looked by people as someone incapable and weak in maintaining a relationship. Shameful. Decision traps are always around us to gladly cheer when we have failed to conceive a rock-solid solution.

You go too hard it may be wrong. You go too slowly, you might be wasted.

The You-Are-Not-The-Person-I-Used-To-Know-Before syndrome deemed us to be more intuitive in predicting the situation. Yet, our brains are not future prediction calculative machines which are able to make the right decision. Some made the right decision, but at a wrong time. Some made the right decision at the right time but at the wrong places.

Another reason why this easy-escapism say and leave YANTPiUTKB Syndrome would be the intolerance of either party to accommodate current changes. Like money, plants and animals, human grows. They went through various phase of life. Previously, you might be think its cool to listen to NSync, but now Arctic Monkeys is the uber cool music selection. Big Mac might be the largest burger you knew in life, not until Carls Jr. franchise came and change everything and might kill off McD like McD did on A&W in the early 90s.

If there are possibilities which we could save rooms to accommodate the different phase of life and changes that occurs. What I’ am implying is the abilities of oneself to become like a capacitors which able to differentiate the ‘low’ and ‘high’ voltages of companion vibes. Able to keep it when its too high, providing a cushion and release it to proper channels. Communication would be a great thing to do. We don’t want anybody to be lost in translation just because either one of the party were going too quick or too slow. We are scared communicate because communication means the revealing of our mortal weaknesses, which without guarantee may be big mistake if either one had decided to turn the table around. In this case, YANTPiUTKB reason is legitimately used.

I have to admit that I get very temperate/grumpy during submission weeks. We all are accustomed to last-minute work culture (which symptoms were never shown when I had a girlfriend as time calculated to have more spare times, seriously don’t laugh). Even the simplest of question of how to transfer a file from a folder to another would prompt a higher and aggressive intonation. Even simplest jokes may be regarded as cynical assaults. Same goes to a girl along their PMS. They tend to be more ‘prickly’, hit the wrong string and the tune just may being terribly disrupt. These are short term changes.

For long term changes, in which they occur and shows only after prolonged period of time, there are stories of which gets really subjective and mind boggling. Like a fungi that appeared out of cracks of a floor; the causes spanned down the historical record.

There are also changes which are not related at all with the relationship. Such as families influence; like breaking up of families and social influences; like the change of college means change of friends which may belong to different kind of interests yielding you to be a different person. It all incurred in the process of growth which is inevitable.

Yet during these phases of changes are vital if we stood still. It’s a sign that we are not arrogant and problem escapist, it’s a clear indication that we are willing to learn our partner emotional rhythm. And because we grow, we cannot possibly stop the cycle of growth. What am I today may be different from what I’ll be five years from now. May be worst and god willing may be better. Maybe I would be laughing my head off reading this blog in 2013 if God permits. Nothing is gained by hopping relationships, just a bit of ooh ahh-ing by people which knowing us for going in and out of love, for once, for twice and later people get bored by that.

Amazingly, our parents are living proof that humans have the ability to tolerate and survived the hi and lows of companionship for a long duration of time. Like what they may uttered ‘till death do us apart’, indeed, some of them may be educated in the busiest, funkiest and culture-forwarded cities and nation of the world yet still managed to maintain a very long relationship.

The Resilience

Spice Girls, a relic of pop-culture for the 80’s baby. These girls have long broken up. But their lines: “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get wif my friends“, has got the brain juices flowing.

While flashing back neatly a decade into the past, I am looking forward to a big change in terms of relationship somewhere around October this year. At times, I have been preparing a rock solid foundation which I expect of sustaining a long term relationship rather than flings and scandals. I have to admit it, having short lived relationship is rather frustrating, time wasting and worthless in terms of experience. At normal pace, next October is simple date set to anticipate a big change.

There have been countless self reflection or rather post-mortems being done on why have I failed miserably in previous relationship. As I am committed to create a better and firmer relationship. Those horrible mistakes in the past shall not be something which I can easily regard as ‘Oh! I was young and dumb’, and start a brand new so-called clean slate for the newly found relationship.

Along the way, I have found things that I regretted for not doing or doing. There are miscalculations which had been the obvious reason that led to the collapse of relationships. There are threats and challenges which have not been handled with absolute caution. Time constraints and weaknesses which have been poorly compensate with something that is rather mutually beneficial. And the magic of relationship just enters into the pungent air of uncertainties and confusion before falling like durian luruh.

One of my weaknesses of which I had noticed is my affinity of striking things out in openly manner. For instance, if I disagreed with some of my girlfriend colleague, I shall voice it out or have shown it in somewhat noticeable ways. This type of thing have and often led to arguments which put my partner in a dilemma of jeopardizing the long made friendships or souring the sweetening couple mood.

So there I am with the proposed solution of ‘100/100’, in which I may not interrupt my girlfriend when she is meeting her girls and she will not be involved in any of my social circle gatherings. This is to ensure that she had 100% of space amongst her friends, which on my side I’ll have my share of time to enjoy with my friends too. Some conversation and PDA (public display of affection) can be a bit unsuitable and quirky for fellow friends, plus boys conversations is frankly dirtier than any could ever imagined. There are also concerns of ‘stolen attention’ during my presence amongst her friends. So, In this 100/100 way, I rather have a segregated friendship circles of mine and hers The other 100 would be the 100% absolute focus between each other when we dated without friendship matters coming along the way.

Surely, I am not a big proponent of friendship segregation, so do double standardizing of friends (top friends? Where do the un-top friends fit?) . Eventually, there will be a merge of these social circles, which will take place step by step without urge to rush.

No doubt friends can be very supportive in times when we need them. They understand us well. But there are subliminal ways of friends abusing this specialty when the girlfriend is highly dependent upon them. Perhaps, it has got to be a female trait of maintaining a good vibe around them; they would love to hear the nicest things said about them, so, in an event of which ,I, as a boyfriend, being heavily criticized the relationship might experience an uncomfortable position. I may be shied away or given a cooling-off period of dateless weeks. A collective anticipation amongst her friends to witness the relationship failed can be troublesome and unpredictable. The talks just slipped into the air, and turned out to be strong hope. Applying pressure on the guilt stricken girlfriend which is constantly losing side.

Some did it in a very faint manner of match-making our girlfriend with some guy. Like waiting bait to be captured by prey, the current relationship which eventually fall were ushered with celebration. I even witnessed a situation when a girl gets attached to a man when her friends kept calling this man a leng lui (handsome man in Chinese). This kind of talk cheers and boost up the confidence of a girl. Indeed, it can be real danger when used the opposite way. Surely friend-lover interest needs a skillful balancing act like a trapeze walker. We can just pray and hope, in the unexpected world of human behavior, her friends shall never neglect these support to a form of damage-inflicting blackmailing instrument.

There is nothing wrong for my future girlfriend to have lots of friends. I’ll be glad and would be very pleased to know each and every one of them. Its totally absurd to put someone on a leash, blinding or deafening them from hostile voices in the air. I personally belief, certain quarters of friends can provide support in situation argument happens. They provide a far of better channels for girlfriend to voice out their tribulations regarding relationship rather than ending up a relationship in a bitter third party sympathique tactic manner. I trust that a good friend listens and understands well, yet, there are limits of stories that shall encroach into the insecure public air.

Some relationships are subject to under a great deal of influence by friends/peeps/clique of our girlfriend. Worst come to worst; vital decision has to get their consent. Like a senate hall or something, all the words mentioned to your girlfriend have been illicitly passed to her friends in order to get the majority approval. How can we justify situation like these, when a relationship which are built on trust demands a certain level of secrecy has been broken. Until what level shall a person like me remained ‘accommodating’ towards the voices of these ‘intruders senate’ suggesting this and that? Do this and that?

Since we cannot possibly shut the mouth of our girlfriend peeps/friends/clique, plus its their claimable rights for free speech. I expect certain level of mantle, strength and resilience from my future girlfriend, apart from clever balancing act. While on my part, I’ll ensure that I maintain a positive relationship vibe between me and her social circle. Some may argue that I should have taken it easy. But irony seems to find its way in fate, and facebook is very generous to include ‘it’s complicated’ for the status box.

The Maternal Senses

While hanging out together with college mates at the food court, a veil wearing sweet, shapely clean faced girl came across our view, we would make the same assumption of this scenario : Ini kalau jumpa emak, emak sayang ni… ( If should be introduced to mom, she would have liked her )

In Malays and any other races, I believe, a mother approval is the best of its kind. It sorts of represents a whole lot of aspect. A mothers eye scans deeper than the skin alone. A mothers nose sniffs and senses more than just any Escada Rockin’ Rio or Ibiza Hippie scent and a mother ear listens more than what spoken from the sweetly strawberry balm layered lips. In a nutshell, mother has the sharpest instinct, and when she says ‘No’, it really meant no.

21 years of living, 7 girls that I have met, 3 rejections, only one has been given approval from my mother. I guess its time to stop hunting for girls, since it would take another 21 years or so, for another approval.

While mothers instinct are more broadly covered. Boys, on the other hand, is more interested in physical. Things that can be looked touch and feasted .A B30 above is the minimal requirement. A mozzie bite breast would be a shame thing and would be lacking in feminity. A girl who donned those strangely-thin body-hugging one of a kind cloth material usually sold by Topshop which bottom reaches till the hips and follows the shapely curvature of the body. Fringe hairstyle which nearly render the covered eye useless. These descriptions are just something stated in general only. It does not apply to all. Every boy has got its taste, and their ‘radar’ has been programmed to detect and switch the alarm as the one fits is within range. Leukimias, petites, oily-skinny and look-alikes, those are the taste of my housemates that we intuitively know. Which one goes to whom? Try to mix and match.

Mothers, like CIA, are very very efficient data collectors. They monitor phone bills, they remember our demand for fuel allowance, they monitor our expenditure and yes, the read our body language. They start a blaze on our secret factory without starting a spark. They freeze our spine without apparatus of refrigeration. They crumble our egos without any dynamites. Making matters heavier, my mom is a fulltime housewife and I belonged to a small family. Even remaining tightly lipped about any relationship would be like burglars ransacking a mansion while CCTV providing live-feed to the police. They (parents) will be laughing their heart out looking at us acting like we had everything airtight, shut, lock and screwed.

I spoke to one of my college mate mother who admitted that she discovered about his son secret relationship within weeks. Also tending to 3 siblings of my friends while working to earn a living, she still managed to unearth children secrets. The ten million dollar question was: Did she approve his son secret relationship? Her answered: No.

“ I didn’t like the girl “ retelling the stories when the girl was first introduced to her. She was quickly to smell the pretentious body language of the girl of kissing both cheeks and hugging like mak datins meeting each other during an exclusive ball.

“ Not that I didn’t like kissing cheeks or whatsoever, but the way she speaks and looks at me shows that she is lugging my son around to nowhere. Her friendliness was rather unnatural just to ambil hati ( please )“, the 40 something mother spoke as I was served with chicken curry, freshly cooked white rice and a glass of chilled ( not iced ) syrup drink. Her son who is my friend is busy watching TV.

Until now, I ponder and tried to reason out that is it true mother read their son actions because sons inherit their dad attitude? Like the Malay proverb bapa borek anak rintik .

My mother many times objected to girls that I have introduced to her. Each objection were represented in many different ways. Sometimes without being told, my mother actions pretty much reflect her approval. Father, on the other hand remained at bay in this matter. The usual bona-fide secretive nature of most dad. Mother approach is rather diplomatic and can be further discussed and question, rather than dad which are strictly prohibitive in questioning it while remaining affirmative.

God willing, the relationship lasts less than 5 months. Mothers advice are like prophecies or sort of Madam Zorra predictions; they foresee young girls as simple like looking into a magic glass globe. Once said, it was never taken back. My friend ex-girlfriend started showing early symptoms of break-up with lessened SMS and repeated crying. It all ended on the 11^th hour before my friend took his SPM examination; a major examination. Finally, he started to recuperate and recover to begin life as usual. A lesson to be learn by him, since then, every girl he met is quickly being introduced to his mom for sort of ‘evaluation’

Maternal, Parental intervention in personal relationship can sound a bit childish and absurd. We all have grown-up a lot, and has managed a lot of things by ourselves. Furthermore, a male college student sticking to a mother’s advice may qualify us, me or you as a mama’s boy whom rather walks around under mothers’ armpit. A shameful act, and unuttered childishness. Whatever the slang these people give to us, we are no emulated notorious American kids’ Converse shoes-donning washed-out shirt wearing which originates from defunct families. We have eastern values that don’t make us look any inferior/absurd/lack-of-life/un-glamour than any of the liberated western teens. Getting regular advice are signs of a functioning family.

In my religion itself, it was told that a son can possibly give higher attention to a mother than a father. It’s a Normality. So, the next time I hang out with my friends, I should have a second thought of assuming: “ Bawa jumpa emak, emak mesti sayang ni… “