The Coming of Age

October is finally here, and many things that I have picked up and learned along the way. Only, there is one major adjustment that can never possibly be made. If so, it would potentially take several years before coming to a realization.

It was around mid-july 2007 as finals are approaching when someone asked me when I am going to make a leap of faith. It was a non-personal query as that person is a close colleague of mine. So do her to my friends. A life walkaround with companion, hmm… I ponder. If not by knot of marriage, but through forbidden language called the ‘coupling’. I flipped through numbers trying to make estimation when October crossed my mind. Yeah. October. Not on the present year, but next year which will be 2008.

Waa…at that moment it seems pretty long and tiring wait. Yet, that is the price paid for a resolution to take shape. Even, how many of our new-year resolutions had survived and lived beyond words? The path remained doubtful and sketchy as of where do I begin? Should I go fishing for girls? If so, how many of them should I put in the initial batch? Should I do some homework? It seems very foggy and guideless, yet like a promise of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the conclusion to all this resolution would be the chance smile like an honest man smiling.

Days goes by, months goes along. Time really moves fast. As I remained committed towards a change and several rules have been imposed towards myself, Its really puts me into pandemonium of seeing this magnanimous vision coming into action as curtain falls and October reveled herself. Should I scream in joy? Should I remain somber in silence? Should I cry as finally things had come into place? These are questions which I asked myself. I never had been through crossroads and no single reason why should I turn back in this pursuit of happiness. October is upon me, let it be.

I remind myself that I cannot presume everything will be back in order and perfect if October brought the much needed joy. We are all flaw in some way. Having a relationship is another way to subtly get response of our flaw and ways to accept it. Flaw that keeps our head low and not think that we are inferior or superior to anyone else. Flaw which takes time to disappear or coup-up. Flaw that makes us talk in a manner that’s humble. Flaw makes us think hard trying our best avoid bad circumstances. God knew if he let any of his creatures roam free on this face of earth without flaw, that creature would just manifest everything.

Flaw is not a subject that is going to curb my October aim, neither I am going to use my flawlessness and gained sympathy as I encounter October. Perhaps, flaw can be looked in a different angle. Flaw as a force that binds two people together. Just like the invisible force that binds a pair of magnets.

Resilient Girl or Naïve Silly Girl?

I have an assertive pre-condition in engaging a relationship previously and repeatedly said. The desire to see the other best side of me being extremely resilient towards external influences ( besties, cronies, cliques alike ). It may bit sounded like a control freak though, but this is a simple favor which demanded a clever desegregation between private room and peer/friendship room. I even like the idea of both friendship and relationship circle to eventually (over time) merge and create a healthy conflict-free friendship ecosystem.

Why am I antagonizing the idea of besties/cronies/cliques? Have I reached boiling point dealing with them? Frankly, I do not antagonize them and far away from taking any confrontation with them. They are needed/important as much as ponstan pill for aching architects or ctrl+alt+del for jamming computers . They are vital entities which existence cannot be denied. Given option for them to vanquish, I won’t advocate it as such will worsen situation. But, if it becomes too ‘clingy’ or ‘dependent’, then it gets really cramped. If such deliberate collective act by besties/cronies/clique to suppress partner into abandoning relationship then it gets really annoying and intrusive. If both situation are considered as flaw. By then, thinking should come into action. That is why a bit of segregation practice is needed.

Takut kena ombak jangan berumah ditepi pantai ( If you fear a typhoon will destroy your home, do not build your home near the beach ). If I reckon to absolutely protect myself from this kind of problem, let alone I distance and bear myself from befriending my future partner social circle. No way this would happen. This kind of attitude is extremely selfish? Don’t you think its possessive, obsessive and childish? Wanting 100% of partner attention as if she has no other pursuits/purpose/commitments in her life. In the end of the day, there should be a trade-off between these two circles vice-versa.

Talking about childish, I do admit that I don’t want to grow up. I rather be commanded and guided. I rather have someone mature and senior than my age to walk along and tell me which bird chirp what and which streets leads to where. Yes, never mind about the age. Even I looked like a 25~26ers at first glance. I can coup-up with those with the 9 to 5 routine of theirs. Oddly enough, I don’t hassle if everything turned out to be a queen controlled relationship. Let there be a proof woman power and good it could bring.

Many wondered with my odd way of doing things, what kind of partner that I shall finally meet? If I wanted to meet my intellectual desire, I envisioned aggressive talk-a-lot pre-law chick. At least I can learn something. I might scoop a thing or two on the limits and boundaries of blogging within the context of law. I might become more vigil when dealing with individual, organizations or companies with their terms and conditions that acts like a coyote in finding the possibilities to rob us in broad daylight.

Sticking to the not-so-fiery-nationalist inside me, I would want a hitam manis Kedahan girl which would someway/someday accompany me all the way for balik kampong? She could remind me overtime to stay down to earth, tone my voice down and being humble, especially in KL as anak perantauan. She could polish my northern lingos and we can argue about kerisek and santan nyior in preparation of gulai.

I never bother if all mentioned qualities cannot be fulfilled, perhaps, a combination of two or three?

We all understood that putting too many criterions in finding a partner are luxury that little of us can possibly afford ( What? Rich, voluptuous, KL-upper crust socialites ).While letting any interested soul that passes by into serious relationship setup would then can be seen as reckless as tangkap muat ( grab all ). Its principle bound pitted against open-channeling

Sooner or later, all of the qualities I knee-jerk wanted from a girl may just be washed off. I ‘am willing to waive all. Not because I have no principle. This, to keep a positive and clear mind, and wished for the best for whomever that stood within the line. Who knows the girl which had fondness with overgrown shades ( I call it speck lalat ) might just be the one that suite me. Who may guess I might fall for any UMNO cronies daughters. I know I had big comments about them with their fancy stuff and affluent lifestyle of uncertain origins. But, it wouldn’t hurt to take a ride on cute little Volkswagen Golf GTI’s. Visionary cronies I wouldn’t mind either, I would sit beside them and listen to what’s life as an UMNO crony attentively while her daughter can make coffee in the kitchen. Who knows that girl with lacking of peer pressure resilience might be the one for me? Beauty has never been the answer. Neither status nor positions guarantee happiness. Age or race never assures a couplehood survival.

Nature has its own way of unsettling itself

What is her name?

The question of how much seriousness have I purged into this search for the other better half is as much serious I put into living. How serious do I take life? Or am I still in limbo? No, I’am not in limbo all this while. As nature takes its course, everything will unravel in a short notice. But if you asked about my future partner, I admit, it is still foggy and sketchy as I board the train of nature which one day might surprise me with wonders. Don’t expect me to pull out names whatsoever; this is no ala-the bachelor reality show.

Like I expect October comes in a short notice, there are things that never come shortly. I have adjustments which cannot be quickly done. I am an introvert, in which I never had huge networks of friends to seek littlest advice from how to fit a gas casket or where to seek the cheapest tow truck during accidents. We all know that having a huge networks of friends means a lot in some way. It means late night lepaking with fellow friends of four to five instead of a pair. As I heard someone mentioned that I am no ‘fun’, lacking a huge networks of friend not only means limited aid during troubled times, but also, gives an impression of society boycott. Lacking of acceptance or unpopular. Lacking of interaction. What shall I do when thing are perceived this way? People draw simple conclusion that the lesser number of friends you had means you are disliked or despised. Its left to the public judgment to assume I am rejected by the society or I dejected myself from the crowd. Either way, skin has been thickened by lesson picked up years upon years. Way before October comes.

Looking at positive light, I’am a person that believes in singular minded idealogy.I’am well aware of the term loner and individualistic. In Malay its called pulau (deserted). At core, I am very much realist, I accept this kind of realities. If you think my phonebook has active contacts, I suck big time in that. I withdraw myself from the society very much because I believe the idea of human interaction is very much disposable like diapers. When business is done, there is no need to contacts or talk anymore, as I becomes unnecessary. I become less SMS-worthy and buzz-worthy. Unless, I’am a Kedahan royal blood bachelor, then interaction becomes extended due to my ‘synthetic’ positioning.

Aside from disposable, I found the idea of human interaction is sometimes heavily structured. There are followers which cling and boasted about their connection with big names, VIPs. I assume myself as debris ( serpihan ); perhaps the flying without direction niche of social member. I owe no allegiance to anybody or anyone, as I find it easy living this way. Secession, rebellious or unaligned; in history, it has been proven this kind of act is 50/50 success rate. Either I succeed or fail, time will tell.

This is the flaw that I have. I do not demand sympathy because it’s a choice I made years back. My mouth is virtually zipped, and only writing such of blog entries represent my voice since 2003. I am not arrogant to ‘push’ myself back into the society and finding a whole bunch people that fits me. Create a broad web of contacts that my future girlfriend would awe and find me ‘’fun’’. An adjustment, which may take years to do so as I let nature, takes its course. I have experience having relationship fallout due to absence of connections. I admit, love alone in today standard make relationship seems handicapped. As the saying goes; style without substance.

Either she has to acclimate or I have to make a complete mindset change, there will be a trade-off. Somewhat, somehow.

The Maternal Senses

While hanging out together with college mates at the food court, a veil wearing sweet, shapely clean faced girl came across our view, we would make the same assumption of this scenario : Ini kalau jumpa emak, emak sayang ni… ( If should be introduced to mom, she would have liked her )

In Malays and any other races, I believe, a mother approval is the best of its kind. It sorts of represents a whole lot of aspect. A mothers eye scans deeper than the skin alone. A mothers nose sniffs and senses more than just any Escada Rockin’ Rio or Ibiza Hippie scent and a mother ear listens more than what spoken from the sweetly strawberry balm layered lips. In a nutshell, mother has the sharpest instinct, and when she says ‘No’, it really meant no.

21 years of living, 7 girls that I have met, 3 rejections, only one has been given approval from my mother. I guess its time to stop hunting for girls, since it would take another 21 years or so, for another approval.

While mothers instinct are more broadly covered. Boys, on the other hand, is more interested in physical. Things that can be looked touch and feasted .A B30 above is the minimal requirement. A mozzie bite breast would be a shame thing and would be lacking in feminity. A girl who donned those strangely-thin body-hugging one of a kind cloth material usually sold by Topshop which bottom reaches till the hips and follows the shapely curvature of the body. Fringe hairstyle which nearly render the covered eye useless. These descriptions are just something stated in general only. It does not apply to all. Every boy has got its taste, and their ‘radar’ has been programmed to detect and switch the alarm as the one fits is within range. Leukimias, petites, oily-skinny and look-alikes, those are the taste of my housemates that we intuitively know. Which one goes to whom? Try to mix and match.

Mothers, like CIA, are very very efficient data collectors. They monitor phone bills, they remember our demand for fuel allowance, they monitor our expenditure and yes, the read our body language. They start a blaze on our secret factory without starting a spark. They freeze our spine without apparatus of refrigeration. They crumble our egos without any dynamites. Making matters heavier, my mom is a fulltime housewife and I belonged to a small family. Even remaining tightly lipped about any relationship would be like burglars ransacking a mansion while CCTV providing live-feed to the police. They (parents) will be laughing their heart out looking at us acting like we had everything airtight, shut, lock and screwed.

I spoke to one of my college mate mother who admitted that she discovered about his son secret relationship within weeks. Also tending to 3 siblings of my friends while working to earn a living, she still managed to unearth children secrets. The ten million dollar question was: Did she approve his son secret relationship? Her answered: No.

“ I didn’t like the girl “ retelling the stories when the girl was first introduced to her. She was quickly to smell the pretentious body language of the girl of kissing both cheeks and hugging like mak datins meeting each other during an exclusive ball.

“ Not that I didn’t like kissing cheeks or whatsoever, but the way she speaks and looks at me shows that she is lugging my son around to nowhere. Her friendliness was rather unnatural just to ambil hati ( please )“, the 40 something mother spoke as I was served with chicken curry, freshly cooked white rice and a glass of chilled ( not iced ) syrup drink. Her son who is my friend is busy watching TV.

Until now, I ponder and tried to reason out that is it true mother read their son actions because sons inherit their dad attitude? Like the Malay proverb bapa borek anak rintik .

My mother many times objected to girls that I have introduced to her. Each objection were represented in many different ways. Sometimes without being told, my mother actions pretty much reflect her approval. Father, on the other hand remained at bay in this matter. The usual bona-fide secretive nature of most dad. Mother approach is rather diplomatic and can be further discussed and question, rather than dad which are strictly prohibitive in questioning it while remaining affirmative.

God willing, the relationship lasts less than 5 months. Mothers advice are like prophecies or sort of Madam Zorra predictions; they foresee young girls as simple like looking into a magic glass globe. Once said, it was never taken back. My friend ex-girlfriend started showing early symptoms of break-up with lessened SMS and repeated crying. It all ended on the 11^th hour before my friend took his SPM examination; a major examination. Finally, he started to recuperate and recover to begin life as usual. A lesson to be learn by him, since then, every girl he met is quickly being introduced to his mom for sort of ‘evaluation’

Maternal, Parental intervention in personal relationship can sound a bit childish and absurd. We all have grown-up a lot, and has managed a lot of things by ourselves. Furthermore, a male college student sticking to a mother’s advice may qualify us, me or you as a mama’s boy whom rather walks around under mothers’ armpit. A shameful act, and unuttered childishness. Whatever the slang these people give to us, we are no emulated notorious American kids’ Converse shoes-donning washed-out shirt wearing which originates from defunct families. We have eastern values that don’t make us look any inferior/absurd/lack-of-life/un-glamour than any of the liberated western teens. Getting regular advice are signs of a functioning family.

In my religion itself, it was told that a son can possibly give higher attention to a mother than a father. It’s a Normality. So, the next time I hang out with my friends, I should have a second thought of assuming: “ Bawa jumpa emak, emak mesti sayang ni… “